Month: December 2015

Day 186 – What Went Wrong

2015 is almost done and I am probably the happiest person about that. Every year, I write a Year-End Analysis. The over-analyser in me loves sitting down and looking back at the past to chew on it repeatedly and let it reduce to nothing, but not without the lessons of course.

This year, the nature of the blog makes me think that probably writing this as a two-part post would make more sense. Part 1 is happier and you can read it here.

“So, S,” you could ask, “What went wrong this year?”

Oh. So very much. Gargantuan levels of disappointment with the self and the world around me.

I didn’t go on a single satisfying date this year. I was told by strange men about how they would like to have sex with me before getting to know me. Classy. I woke up one day to realise that I have only been torturing myself with guilt in the name of love and cried more nights because I felt stupid. I don’t know what I am supposed to call love anymore. I started feeling homeless even when I walked myself to my own house only because I didn’t realise how much I depended on someone else for a sense of home. Love is addictive. I was angry at everyone, including myself, all the goddamned time. I realised my mental health is starting to falter. I realised that is taking a toll on my physical health. I have failed to keep myself in check when it comes to my diet or my body. I don’t fit into any of the clothes I used to fit into two years back. I am at my heaviest and this makes me hate myself more than it should. I didn’t feel like I wrote enough of what I was supposed to write. I chased a dream for 10 years only to figure that I am probably not good enough or not well-suited for what is supposed to be “real” journalism. I started disliking my profession for what it has become. Sometimes, getting too comfortable in your job is a problem. I learned that you’re not going to be able to trust your family to be able to fully understand what you’re going through when you’re having a panic attack. I learned that being strong involved getting out of bed on some days. I have cried myself sore to sleep more than I should have this year. There was a whole weekend where I didn’t move out of my bedroom. I learned that years of work on a relationship can be ruined in an instant. The people you fall in love with are human and they screw up. The world around me expects me to only serve my purpose as a wife, mother and grandmother and die. It will be many years before I taste the kind of success I desire as a writer. I don’t know if I will ever be funny enough for anyone to want to watch what I write. I am at the place I wanted to be at by the age of 22 and it is not enough. It never is good enough. Even this project has lost all its readers and the dwindling stats are starting to discourage me. All the female writers I know and love work so hard and I never know if I will ever be able to match that level of dedication or satisfaction with my job. My parents are convinced I am a quitter. My friends are more like family than my actual family. My best friends moved far, far away and I don’t know if I will ever meet them again. I don’t know when I will be able to call myself financially secure. I don’t know what I am going to do to change my life today or tomorrow. I realised that I am going to have to always assess if what my heart tells me to do is what I am supposed to do. ‘Supposed to’ became my mantra and I decided to let go of things I didn’t think I was ready to let go of yet.

But, the most difficult and painful lesson this year was that I need to be my own best friend. I had to spend more time by myself locked and crying in bathroom cubicles, in front of the computer screen, screaming into pillows only to remember to breathe and tell myself I will be okay. Mine was the only hand that patted me to sleep on these nights and mine was the only voice that told me to hold on for one more day. I have been more fragile this year than I have before. I have never felt more afraid than I have this year.

I am still frightened of what the next year will bring. But, I am giving myself a tight hug and hoping I will manage to stumble through and walk over the obstacles I have built for myself in my head and make 23 the year it is supposed to be.

For you, if you’re still reading —

That is where I have decided to begin.

Happy New Year. See you on the other side.
(SHUT UP, ADELE. NOT NOW.)

Tune for the day – See You Again by Wiz Khalifa feat Charlie Puth

180 days (6 months) to go.

 

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Day 185 -What Went Right

2015 is almost done and I am probably the happiest person about that. Some might ask me, what could have possibly gone wrong this year? I will discuss these things in detail tomorrow. Well, some detail. But, what went right this year is something I want to discuss today.

Every year, I write a Year-End Analysis. The over-analyser in me loves sitting down and looking back at the past to chew on it repeatedly and let it reduce to nothing, but not without the lessons of course.

This year, the nature of the blog makes me think that probably writing this as a two-part post would make more sense.

“So, S,” you could ask, “What went right this year?”

Well, I turned 22. It’s one step closer to 23 and that is an age I would like to be at, thankyouverymuch. I didn’t have a single poisonous friendship/relationship to deal with this year. On the other hand, the friends I did make this year have only contributed to making myself better and giving me more perspective. I made the decision to fall out of love with the one boy I have loved for years and have proceeded to be okay with the friendship that was the foundation of that love. I got even better at long distance friendships. I did well at work. I wrote some stories I am really proud of. I got published as a fiction writer once this year and am lined up to be published again early next year as a poet. I conquered my fear of letting people know I can write and wrote so much this year that, if I were using a pen more often, I could tell you that I wrote till my fingers bled. I gave to strangers only to receive in return. If only for some time, I did try taking charge of my overall health. I also realised that I need to be more mindful of it and am trying to get better as I type. Imran Khan wished me on my birthday and Deepika Padukone and Farah Khan took pictures with me. People wrote to me to tell me that my writing got them through a rough day. My parents haven’t been seriously ill at all this year. Neither have I. I didn’t have any conversations to cause long-term damage with any extended family member. My best friends have only made me realise I am actually a pretty strong person. These friends have only proven to me that true friends stick around. I have been introduced to, watched and read some pretty kickass women this year. The number of books on my shelf has gone up exponentially. I have had good kisses and tight hugs from people I have liked (at least in the moment). I bought my first lipstick this year. I adopted a beautiful cat to care for. I watched some amazing TV and cinema this year. I fell more in love with the city I live in.

But, the best thing by far is that I started this blog. There have been days where I have treated it like a burden. But, it is a necessary one. Even if you’re not reading anymore, thank you.

Thank you for giving me one more reason to be more grateful for my life.

Knock on wood.

 

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Day 184 – You’re All in This (by keeping it) Together

No, really. The High School Musical song (like the rest of the movie) was a lie. You’re in this on your own. I am in one of those moods today, so hear me out. I have been lucky to have great friends and parents seeing me through some of my worst days. But, let’s be honest. At your best and at your worst, you will really just be in your own company. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But, the reason remembering this today made me cry was because I just realised that there will never be anyone who will fully understand what is going on in your head. They can only imagine. The truth is, you’re responsible for your own healing. No one is ever going to get you there. Some days are going to be better than the rest and some will be worse.  There is no way to tell how you will get there or how long it will take. But, rest assured, the only one sticking it out with you will be you.

Thank goodness for that. How will you even find someone who can go all the way with you?

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Day 183 – Give and Receive

As the year comes to a close, I must admit that this has been my worst year on the planet so far. So, I decided to do what I love doing during the holiday season. I played Secret Santa in three different spaces.

The best thing about this season is giving and receiving willingly and I have been lucky enough to meet and know some pretty cool people in the process (even if briefly).

I met a mixed martial artist and mother of three. A fellow cat lover. An advertising guy who happened to be extremely generous. The possibilities have been endless and the gifts have only just been coming in. Not just from strange quarters but also from friends and family. It may only be material things that matter to anyone seeing this on the outside, but anything really makes me happy and this made me realise that wanting to give made me open to receive.

I may not always want to give, but when I did, I was showered with love. Maybe it’s a matter of knowing your life will turn around, one day at a time. Maybe it’s a matter of letting yourself have what you deserve.

I wouldn’t know. But, for now, I am going to soak in the new books and gifts that Christmas brought along.

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Day 181 – Freedom

13-year-old Anoushka is everything your average teenager is supposed to be. She likes Instagram far too much for her own good, rolls her eyes at everything and is dying to live away from her parents in a house of her own.

I wasn’t a very different person at 13. Only instead of Instagram, we had Facebook. But, being away from home and parental care has taught me one thing — Freedom is overrated.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a spoilt brat. I love living alone and having to pay my own bills. It gives me immense joy to have money of my own and a cat that I am responsible for. I have a few solid friends that I love having a few (or more) drinks with on the weekend. Living in your pyjamas is great too.

But, I am sure you’d agree when I say that the first time you had to have a conversation with a banker, you were annoyed that this was necessary at all. I am sure you understand that the time after the party and before the clean-up makes you wish you had your mom to guide you through this. I know you will totally get what I mean when I say I am not really ready to start liking what I cook for myself, forever.

No man. I like having my parents tell me what to do sometimes. It is good to know they exist to make me feel better about myself. So, when Anoushka rolled her eyes at me when I said freedom is overrated, I just told her to live alone and see what it’s like. I am giving this child another five years. Let’s get back to this post then.

185 days to go.

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Day 180 – Being Grateful Part XXV

It’s finally the end of the line for these posts. I am almost done going back to complaining about life and the endless attempt to lose weight soon enough. But, before that, I need to tell you that this Christmas was spent by the beach. It was wonderful because my cousin came down to surprise us on Christmas eve and we (literally) made merry all night. But, what was even better was a trip to the beach.

Now, the trip to this beach was made under the pretense of a ruined fort that none of us kids really cared about. All we needed was to step into the water by the shore and get wet. But, the shore was far from where we were, separated by stretches of puddles of muck. Parents being the parents they are, decided to not let us venture beyond the muck as if the point of being on the beach was to be playing in a puddle. I behaved like a teenager and made my way across the beach to find a shallow puddle that no one would drown in and find our way to the sea. My eight-year-old, Marc, decided to follow me on this  venture. We treaded through a puddle and a half and found the shore. When we got there, all we could think was how we both managed to get there even though everyone else was scared and/or lazy. I took this moment to be a responsible adult authority in his life because I have always seen myself as a pretty cool mentor.

I reminded him that the best things in life are worth making the effort for and if someone tells you that what you want is not possible to have, you take it anyway.

I think he got it, guys. Because exactly half an hour later, he shoved some mud on his body and ran around declaring himself Poopmaster. Definitely from my gene pool, this one.

186 days to go.

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Day 179 – Being Grateful Part XXIV

The winter sun fills the yard and I am curled up on the parapet with a book (and my phone, trying to gain some access to internet). The kids have found some sick puppies and friends, making me think of all the times I refused to befriend people as an adult because I was too shy or intimidated. I sit in front of mom and remind myself how much I love the way she loves people by the way she holds the puppy we found. For those who care, I call this one David Bowie because he has eyes that look like they have eyeliner in them and has bowlegs. The vibe is lazy and this is a good time to be reading and relaxing. This series will end tomorrow. Our gratefulness hopefully won’t.

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Day 178 – Being Grateful Part XXIII

The holidays have finally begun and the best thing about a holiday is a good road trip (where I am in control of the music). After seven hours on the road because of tons of confusion, we spent some time just enjoying winters. For someone who has grown up in the desert, this feels like a real blessing. It feels good to have to layer up and settle into blankets thicker than you would normally be used to in a tropical country. It feels good to hold on and ask your parents and little ones for cuddles. Tis the season indeed.

Sorry for the delay. Internet access is limited.

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Day 177 – Being Grateful Part XXII

The holiday from work is finally here and while I would like to think that the time to relax is also here, I could not be more wrong. I have been told to remind myself that I have a job to go back to and be grateful for. But, that’s not what I am going to thank the Universe for right now.

My best friends are here. Or well, at least two of them are.

Anila and Radhika are in the city and even though I saw them only for a few hours, this has been the happiest I have truly felt in months. It’s the kind of Happiness that comes from not having to pretend you’re okay or having to remind yourself that you need to be happy to make someone else happy. These are the people who would do anything they can in their power to make me happy and it would be the same from my end. I am blessed to have people like them in my life and it is only when I leave them behind that I realise how much I miss out on when I am not around them.

All this with the hope of actually getting some down time with myself is what makes me want to wake up in the morning and smile.

Tune for the day — Smile by Lily Allen

This is Day 177 – 21st December, 2015
189 days to go.

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