I have been spending the last few days not knowing why I am even doing the work I do and for whom. I don’t feel like paying a single bill or paying for anything. I just want to lie in bed with my internet connection and read and listen to music. I have spent the last year and a half so disillusioned with the idea of ambition and of working hard because it seems to be like living in a hamster wheel. What am I running for? Why am I still running? Why can’t I stop? When will enough money be enough?
If this was your sign that I need a break, then so be it. If you have a stimulus package to give me a year-long sabbatical where I get to read, write, and watch (for money) – lemme know how I can sign up. My thoughts don’t feel coherent and I am honestly just writing this because I made a promise on the fucking internet to strangers who genuinely will not be surprised if I don’t show up tomorrow.
Days 17 and 18 done.
349 days to go.
SONG OF THE DAY — transparent soul by Willow ft. Travis Barker
APPEAL — If you’re in India, you already know what an absolutely horrific state of affairs we’re in. If you can, please donate to help people out as much as you can. Mutual Aid India runs a whole list of fundraisers and individual cases that need help. If you’re NOT in India, you can still check the list to look for fundraisers that are accepting international donations and help out.
HI! If you’re reached here, say hi in the comments. I want to hear from you. I want to know I’m not talking to a wall.
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Month: June 2021
Day 16 – Appreciation
I NEED APPRECIATION. No, I mean, you don’t understand. I thrive on it and, without it, I wither. I become only half the person I am otherwise. Today, I need that kind of appreciation that helps me bloom. And I didn’t get it. I worked hard for this appreciation. I pushed myself, in the middle of a pandemic, to work harder than I had in over a year. The person I work with tried hard. They pushed themselves beyond themselves too.
And we were met with silence. Worse, dismissal.
I switched off my camera to look out my window and cry. Then, I asked myself, what do I really want to hear? And why do I need to hear it from this exact person? I typed it out. I typed out everything I really needed to hear in that moment. That someone was really proud of the work I did, that I achieved it in a short period of time, that my work matters.
That I matter.
And, once I was done writing that, I realised I didn’t need this other person to say it. I cut the call as soon as I heard, “Okay guys. Have a nice—”
I was having a nice day suddenly. I didn’t need to hear it from anyone else but me.
Days 16 done.
350 days to go.
SONG OF THE DAY — Friday I’m In Love (COVER) by Phoebe Bridgers
APPEAL — If you’re in India, you already know what an absolutely horrific state of affairs we’re in. If you can, please donate to help people out as much as you can. Mutual Aid India runs a whole list of fundraisers and individual cases that need help. If you’re NOT in India, you can still check the list to look for fundraisers that are accepting international donations and help out.
HI! If you’re reached here, say hi in the comments. I want to hear from you. I want to know I’m not talking to a wall.
If you don’t want to miss a post, sign up here.
Day 15 – I Feel Weird
Sometimes I look myself in the mirror when I am talking to someone and I don’t recognise the person I have become. I could attribute it to the Sagittarius rising and her chameleon tendencies. But I can switch on this flirty, shameless texter and the empathetic listener in seconds.
I feel like one of those mimes that switch expressions with a wave of the palm. Sad, happy, loud encouraging best friend, coy flirt, good daughter, boss, employee, professional, and sometimes just not existent when I don’t reply to texts. Each window sees a new person and it’s scary how much I can change. I don’t know if these are all different people or are all just me pretending to be someone I am not.
For all my claims of wanting to be seen, I am equally afraid that someday someone will find out that everything I am is a farce. That I am just a scared, unloved shell of a person. That I am not even worthy of being looked at.
I am afraid that if someone took away everything I have read, learned, listened to, or the people I have met — there is nothing that will be there that is just mine. The idea that everything that is here today already exists, that there are words for everything we’re feeling, is an overwhelmingly scary feeling today.
Today, I feel like a fraud. I feel not real. I feel less.
Days 15 done.
351 days to go.
SONG OF THE DAY — Lost Cause by Billie Eilish
APPEAL — If you’re in India, you already know what an absolutely horrific state of affairs we’re in. If you can, please donate to help people out as much as you can. Mutual Aid India runs a whole list of fundraisers and individual cases that need help. If you’re NOT in India, you can still check the list to look for fundraisers that are accepting international donations and help out.
HI! If you’re reached here, say hi in the comments. I want to hear from you. I want to know I’m not talking to a wall.
If you don’t want to miss a post, sign up here.
One Day At A Time 